Notes Of A Drunk Whisperer

     The other night there was this girl who should give lessons in how to be a drunk. She was a little over five feet tall, wearing flats, 110 pounds, maybe. She had this high pitched, cartoon sounding voice that would crack me up as she sat next to me and gave lessons on how to walk down stairs to customers and a running commentary to me.
     She would talk to the gravity impaired women trying to navigate stairs in heels and explain to them the importance of using the railing and then turn back to me, shake her head and say, "they're all shit heads, they don't know anything." As people would walk upstairs, without tripping, she'd give them a high five and tell them they did a good job. Turning to me, she'd explain, "you have to give them positive reinforcement, that's how they learn." If they tripped, she'd just call them a shit head and tell them to go home. Sometimes they would agree with her. Others would look at her, then look at me, then back to her and figure she was in the time out chair and on her way out. Most of them turned a deaf ear.
     With that much pent up hostility, I knew she had to be in the customer service industry which she later confirmed. She offered to sit with me all night because she said this was the most fun she'd had since she arrived. Whenever a guy would walk by, she'd turn to me and say, "he's not going to get laid tonight" and then rattle off three valid reasons why. Most of them were fashion related. See guys, women notice these things, you dress like a dueche bag, you don't get to swim in the gene pool. You just watch from the side and try to figure out what happened to all of your Motorhead albums.
     She could do all of this with her hair in place and not spilling her drink all over the floor and herself. Finally, somebody who can go out on the weekend, have a few, cut loose, and maintain as well as entertain. I wish there were a hundred more just like her every weekend. Her friends eventually came and collected her and dragged her back out to the dance floor but I hope she comes back soon.