Notes Of A Drunk Whisperer

Aggressive Ignorance
     "Can I get a couple of orders of chicken wings?" "I'm sorry, the kitchen is closed." "Okay, but I just need a couple of orders of wings." "Sir, the kitchen closed forty-five minutes ago, the fryers are cold by this point." "Well, can I just get a burger?" "The. Kitchen. Is. Closed." "So you're saying that I can't get any food?" "That is what closed means."


lv mns nvr hving to txt I'm srry :(
     A couple walk into a bar...they sit down at a table and pull out their phones. They don't speak, just stare into the screen and randomly press buttons. The waitress comes up and they order drinks and then return to their phones. After about fifteen minutes she speaks, only to show him something on her phone. He looks up and comments then they both go back to staring at the screens. This went on for about forty minutes before one of them spoke again.
     I can't help but wonder why they even bother to leave the house. They could just as easily stay home, play some music they've downloaded, fix a drink from any of the bartending sites (although from the looks of it they just had vodka and Red Bull) and had a more meaningful conversation through texting. But maybe that's just me.

Notes Of A Drunk Whisperer

Thursday night-front door. It was my turn to sit at the front door and check i.d.s. The night was a little slow and most of the patrons were older so it was a little tedious with Sports Center on t.v. and the band on break. Three people walk in, all of them quiet and unassuming. Together, they probably weighed 230 pounds. The shortest one in front was on the androgynous side with short spiked hair, soft featured face and a non-descript leather jacket that hid whatever body shape this person had. From the i.d. I finally figured out he was a guy. The next person had longish hair that covered part of the face but his i.d. was good so I waved him through. The third was a head taller than the rest, even without the modest platform shoes. Mid thigh skirt, tights, heavy jacket zipped up against the cold. Plain Jane on an evening out with friends. When I looked at the i.d. my first thought was that she had a friends and just grabbed the wrong one. I did a cursory glance just to save time when the person showed up. Date checks, hologram checks, picture is somebody with short dark hair and scrub brush on the chin. As I looked up to ask for the other i.d. I hear this tenor voice come out of her face say "That's an old picture". I double check the facial features and discover he's right, that's his i.d.
     I've checked drag queens and I can understand that they probably can't get their photo taken in a wig and make up but this person was not in drag. To me, it just makes sense that they could spend a few bucks and get a new i.d. with a current picture, maybe that's just me.

Friday night-side door. It's early in the evening, the d.j. just started a little while ago. Being First Friday, it's a little slow. To keep myself alert I start looking for a blue eyed brunette. They're pretty rare. A woman walks by with long dark hair and curves in all the right places. She smiles at me as she walks down the stairs and I smile back. No harm in being friendly. I only saw the side of her face so I'm not sure what color her eyes are but when she comes back up the stairs she'll be facing me in good light.
     When she reaches the top of the stairs, she stops and I can't help but notice that her eyes are hazel; the search continues. She turns towards me and walks forward. "Would you like to dance?" This is not a question I get asked, especially at work. "I'm tempted to say yes but I have to hang out back here and work." There's another exchange and she goes back to the dance floor.
     A little while later, at the opposite end of the spectrum... This girl walks around the corner and waves at me. I wave back. She's probably all of twenty one and a half. "Hey, I've seen you here like six times. My friends and I come here sometimes." "It's nice to be remembered." "I tried a few times to get your attention to say hi but you ignored me." "It gets loud in here and I don't always hear you." "Yeah, I was like hey grandpa, and you just kept on walking." "Really, that didn't get my attention? That's surprising." "I know, right? Anyway, I just wanted to come over and say hi." "Hi, watch your step going down the stairs." "Okay."
     Not long after that, I see the brunette leave with some guy who looked older than me. Story of my life, I meet some hot chick with daddy issues and I have to work. Oh well, there's always tomorrow night.    

WTF America?

     I feel like I'm getting older but it's the world that's going crazy. When I was a kid, there was a flag in every classroom of my school. In elementary school we said The Pledge of Allegiance every morning. It was just something you did, like the national anthem before sporting events.
     In the 1990's everybody started getting all sensitive. Because of the word "God", students no longer said it. I personally don't have any strong religious beliefs so the line about "One nation, under God..." doesn't really bother me. It does bother me that people seem to have forgotten the other part part of that which is "Liberty and justice for all."
     Here we are in 2014 and they are taking the American flags out of American schools. There are laws being debated that would legalize discrimination and we're about to have Cold War II. This country used to be a super power, there were captains of industry, a car in every garage and a chicken in every pot. Now, there is nothing being produced in this country except a steady stream of reality t.v. celebutards, there are people starving as we send billions of dollars in relief aid to other countries and we're teaching the next generation to fear anything different and hate what they don't understand.
     Aren't we supposed to get smarter with age? Don't things evolve over time? I've defended this country from enemies domestic and abroad but it's starting to feel like we are our own worst enemy. What the fuck, America? Why is it so hard for us to get our shit together?

Randomness

     I'm feeling a little gabby so, of course, I turn to the internet. It's currently Wednesday. I've been trying to get my shit together all week but that's proving to be harder than it looks. I think the electronics system in my car is dying. The damn thing has been infected with gremlins for about a month. Sometimes it clears up and then it comes back as something else with a vengeance. It's a pain in the ass that won't be satiated until I'm spiraling in credit debt.
     I've been applying for a few more jobs lately. I've pretty much given up hope of ever being hired but I still go through the motions.
     Speaking of trying to get hired, I've been trying to write an outline for a new screenplay. If nobody's going to hire me, I'll make up my own job. It's going okay but I've been stuck on the same plot problem for a while now so I'm avoiding the problem by playing on the internet... I know, get back to work.
     This Friday is Valentine's Day. Is there a more pointless holiday? I'm not just spitting out sour grapes because I'm single, think about it, it's pointless. Let's start at the end of this mess and work our way backward, shall we? The whole ain't-love-grand-let's-spend-the-rest-of-our-lives-together thing builds toward marriage, right? Have you ever talked to married people? They're the first ones to tell you not to do it. It's like talking to junkies. They're strung out and wouldn't do it again but the addiction has them in its grasp and they can't leave. It's very sad.
     I get it, I've been there. You think life is great and when it's not you tell yourself that nothing's perfect and everybody has problems. Things will work out. But they never do, do they? You just come up with better lies to tell yourself. You don't see that the other person is insane and it's rubbing off on you. It's like some chemical in your brain that makes you forget every lesson life has taught you and you convince yourself that this is where you want to be.
     Finally, when things turn so shitty that you can't ignore it any more, you come to the conclusion that you've been fooling yourself all along. Maybe you try to convince yourself that next time will be different, but it isn't, is it? It's just more of the same in a new package.
     If you listen to that inner voice, you're amazing, you're incredible, you're awesome sauce incarnate. That's not to say that you're better than everybody else and your shit doesn't stink, it just means that you know how good of a person you are and you don't have to prove anything to anybody. Why would you want to invite somebody else to come in to your world and start tearing that down?
     I read a post on facebook from a friend who went to dinner by herself and said she was the best date she'd had in a long time. For a second, my knee jerk reaction and male ego said, "that's just because you haven't gone out with me yet" but you know what? When you're by yourself, there's none of the awkwardness or the trying to figure the other person out or wondering what they're really like after the pretense fades. Isn't it great to make a joke and not have to explain it? How many times have you heard "what's that look mean?" That is one of my least favorite questions.
     Maybe I'm the only one this happens to, maybe your face is always emoting the proper response to what ever is being talked about. I seem to speak a different language than most people so when I have to stop and break down my facial expressions on top of everything else, it gets exhausting.
     Sure, I may not be a very social person. That's just personal experience. At least I'm not looking somebody in the eye and telling them I love them and I was only kidding when I said that marriage is hell on Earth and then when she leaves the room telling you that no, I'm not kidding, run like hell!
     Seriously though, if you find yourself alone on this holiday weekend, just remember, you're better off. If you think you want the significant other and all that goes with it, just hang out with married people for a while. Okay, I guess I'll come down off my soap box and go make dinner. Thanks for reading, hope you were entertained.

Advice To The Lovelorn

     I'm probably the last guy who should be giving romantic advice but every so often somebody will ask me. Sure, I've done more laps around that block and had my heart broken more than they have, but does that really qualify me? I guess, ultimately, there is no right answer, I can only tell you what's worked for me.
     I was on a steady losing streak for five years that left me emotionally scattered. What did I do in this damaged state? I met somebody new. After two and a half years, I crawled out of the ashes of that crash more sticky, broke and confused than ever. The only thing I knew for certain was that I never wanted to do that again. It was pretty easy at first, I was completely numb and then I was angry, finally I was just emotionally bankrupt.
     The one thing that life has taught me is that friendship lasts, romance doesn't. The only problem with turning off your emotions is that sometimes the dam needs an overflow valve or it's likely to break. At first, I tried projecting these feelings onto a friend. She was there when I was coming down and she was sympathetic. She was also in a committed relationship so she was safe. As long as I kept my big mouth shut, things would be okay. I thought I had finally found a way to pick up the pieces and go home.
     My next challenge came in the form of another friend. She really caught me off guard when she started expressing a more than friendly interest in yours truly. I gave it the old college try for a few weeks but in the end, I just couldn't do it. It just felt like lather, rinse, repeat and I had to decide if I wanted her to stick around as a friend or leave in a couple of months. Money and friends are the two things you can never have enough of.
     Somewhere in the interim, I had another friendship flame out. This was a new one for me, an unknown variable. I now realized that I couldn't trust either romance or friendship to last. Shit, what was the point? It used to be the lady or the tiger, now I was fucked no matter what door I opened. Like Joshua in War Games, I learned that the only way to win in this situation was not to put myself in this situation. So now, there is nothing.
     Remember what I said about that overflow valve? Mm hmm, like it or not, certain feelings are going to come to the surface no matter how many rocks you put in that burlap sack. I found a solution in the least likely place. This is where it gets tricky because I'm in a unique situation. Hopefully, you can find somebody like this or at least take something away from my situation.
     There is this woman that I've kind of developed feelings for. She is the light to my darkness, the voice of reason to my insanity and the sweetness to my bitterness. She's even single. The best part of all is that she has no interest in being anything more than my friend. As long as I keep my big mouth shut and keep thinking with the big head, life will be good and I'll stay out of the bell tower.
     So, I guess the best advice I can give anybody is to keep your eyes open, stay alert-stay alive, keep your mouth shut, find your opposite and make friends. True love is a myth. Nothing lasts that long anymore. You just have to decide what's worth keeping and what's worth cutting loose. Like I said before, it may not be a perfect system but it's working for me. There is no drama in my life and it feels good. Try it before you dismiss it, what do you have to lose?

Sunday January 5 2014

     To start at the beginning, I was at work. Mother Nature was laying the ground work for a not so elaborate plan to mess up my vacation. The upstairs was closed because of the weather so that meant we had an extra guy downstairs. Between the regular guy and myself, we had the stage and dance floor covered from two angles. That left the extra guy with the bar side. It was a nice change of pace.
     Another nice change of pace was having a couple of different d.j.s. The first hour or so I was hearing music I hadn't heard before and some I hadn't heard in a long time. When you have every band and d.j. playing the same 60 songs four nights a week, any change is welcome.
     Closing time! The crowd wasn't too bad, pretty well behaved. A few broken glasses but nobody died, so it was a good night. Productivity comes to a stand still as I have two new guys asking "what's next?", a manager who keeps letting people back in the bar and d.j.s who are dragging their feet. Eventually, everybody leaves, everything gets done and I am ready to take on the snow covered early morning.
     My car gets great gas mileage but it's not designed for all weather. Saying that it doesn't do well in the snow is like saying that a dolphin doesn't do well on road march. It's just not built for it. Getting home was a small challenge. I could make it to my neighborhood but the hill right before my house deters all but four wheel drive. My roommate has a similar car and sent me a warning text confirming what I was expecting.
     I could see his tire tracks but decided to try for it anyway. If I had any kind of competitive spirit, it was satiated in the fact that I made it five feet farther than he did, but that still didn't get me home. I parked at the bottom of the hill and walked the rest of the way. My determination to get to a different climate kept me warm.

     With a change of clothes on my back and my pack in hand, I was once again back in the elements. I will not be stuck here, I will not be stuck here, I...had better stop for gas or I will be stuck here. There's still plenty of time, as long as I keep moving, I'll just change my flight path and everything will be fine. Hopefully a little extra weight will help the journey because at 4:30 in the morning the roads are far from cleared.
     The one good thing about the weather and the hour is that the streets are empty. I didn't start to see other cars until I was almost to the airport. Of course, these were the overly cautious, slow driving down the middle of the road drivers that plague the roads when you're trying to get somewhere. I park and get to the terminal, ready to handle the next phase of this gauntlet.

     The line is longer than I expected at 5:20 in the morning but I guess I'm not the only one trying to escape. "Chicago is shut down and all flights are cancelled" I hear more than once as I'm in line. To their credit, the airline did have people out there trying to keep the lines moving, but it still didn't help me.
"What is your destination?"
"San Francisco"
"That flight is scheduled to leave in twenty minutes."
"Yes ma'am, I tried to get here sooner but this is the best i could do. The forces of nature have conspired against me."
"You are required to show up thirty minutes prior to flight time."
"I've been standing in line for a while, does that count?"
"That flight has been sealed, but let me call and see if they've closed the door yet. Do you have any baggage to check?"
"No ma'am, just this." I point at the pack on my back. "Just give me a gate number and call me O.J."
She hangs up the phone. "You've missed that flight."
"Well, what now?"
She checks the computer, "I can put you on the stand by list for the Denver flight leaving in thirty minutes."

     I take my boarding pass and go through security which has added new pointless features. As I approach the gates, I am greeted by a TSA agent. I hand her my i.d. and boarding pass. She tells me that's for the next station. She is standing next to a touch screen on a small pedestal. She tells me to touch the screen. It tells me to take the left line. Both lines are empty, it's just me and a group of TSA guys. I go through the left line to the next agent who checks my i.d. and boarding pass. Just past him is another guy who wants to wipe my hands with some kind of pad. I never find out if I'm being disinfected or swabbed for gun powder residue. Next is the conveyor belt and metal detector. Take off everything that modesty will allow, cram it into a plastic bus tub and send it through the machine to be inspected, detected, neglected and selected until you pick it up on the other side.
     Finding the gate number, I go to the desk and I stand by. I make sure to tell them that I am standing by and I notice my name on a very short list. If there's an empty seat or a cancellation or room in the luggage compartment, I'm taking it. Must accomplish the mission, must get out of town.
     A woman travelling with her younger brothers asks if it's possible for one of them to trade seats so they can all sit together. The ticket agent checks the computer, changes the seat and prints off two boarding passes. She hands one to the woman and one to me. Apparently we've just filled the row. I'm going to Denver. I don't know if I'll make it out of Denver, but I'm that much closer to my destination.

     There is a delay as they have to bring out ground power to jump start the plane and get it warmed up. This is normal, right? Just because I've never seen them have to do this before doesn't mean it's not normal, right? Is Joe Patroni around?
     All the connecting flights out of Denver seem to be 20-30 minutes after we land. The woman at the desk is living in denial as she tells everybody that they'll make their connection despite the fact that our flight was supposed to leave ten minutes ago and we haven't even boarded. Nobody's even scraped the windows yet. Apparently the pilot is using the force to get us out of K.C.
     Once we do get boarded, we still have to wait in line for de-icing and then we have to wait to take off. The Stepford stewardess telling me that every little thing is gonna be alright doesn't fool me for a minute. I'm on stand by so my journey is a roll of the dice from here on out.
     We eventually make it to Denver. Everybody is scrambling to figure out what to do since all connecting flights left an hour ago. I have managed to channel my inner Canadian and I'm one of the calmest people in the terminal. I'm a little concerned when I hear the ticket agent tell the two guys in front of me that the closest she can get them to Palm Springs is Las Vegas where, she suggests, they can rent a car. Get me to Vegas, I will walk. A hundred some odd mile hike through the desert is just a good stretch of the legs. Gary Cooper did it in Beau Geste with bandits shooting at him, at least I don't have bandits. It's snowing in Denver, I have to get out of here.

     I hand over my boarding pass for my missed flight. "On a scale of not really to royally, how screwed am I?" She smiles at this and I brace for the worst and start stretching my ham strings. "Not very, there's a flight leaving in an hour out of gate B87. I can put you on the stand by list." "Please do. Tell them I'm on my way. Thank you." Of course, it's at the opposite end of the terminal but I don't care. With every step, I feel like I'm foiling Mother Natures plot to hold me down in sub-zero temperatures.
     When I get to the gate, I verify that my flight is leaving from there and I am on the stand by list. I am taking no chances on missing this flight. I get a cup of coffee and a breakfast bagel, all the while keeping the gate in sight. I am number one on the list but I know there will be others. I'm starting to feel like that primate out of 2001: A Space Odyssey when he learns to defend his watering hole with a bone.
     They delay boarding because the first officer has not arrived yet. Another victim of traffic. It feels like I'm in a Final Destination movie, Nature can't get to me so it's getting to those that effect me. Shrewd bitch.
     The first officer finally shows up and they get everybody on board. There are a lot of people, this could get ugly. The boarding agent is making a final call and checking the naughty and nice lists to see how many seats are left when suddenly this guy comes running up. He's wearing a leather biker jacket covered with a dozen miscellaneous buttons, a baseball cap with a few more buttons and carrying a guitar. He looks like he should be playing in a bar somewhere, not waving a military i.d. and trying to convince the woman how badly he needs to get back to his base. My seat is about to get snaked by Stitch Jones.
     "Sir, you're booked on that flight for Tuesday."
"Oh, that can't be right, I have to get back today."
"Let me see what I can do."
"I don't know how I wound up on the Tuesday flight."
Shit happens when you don't check your leave time and your flight info, huh jarhead? I'm surprised they let this guy off the base let alone out of the state.
     They get him seated and there are four extra seats. The flight is already delayed and we haven't even de-iced yet. On the bright side, I'm on the plane and it's just a matter of time before I'm in a warmer climate.

     I dozed off as we were leaving the gate. I wake up to the sound of the plane being de-iced. I couldn't tell if I'd slept an hour or ten minutes. My neck said longer than ten minutes. The time zones were different, my watch was off and everything moved in slow motion because of the weather. The voice in my head tells me-you're feeling the effects of too little food and sleep combined with stress and lack of oxygen. Do not speak unless spoken to and keep your seat belt fastened, this could get weird.
     There was a flight attendant that kept things interesting. Nice legs, great ass and a dynamite smile. Damn. Between lack of sleep and the cruising altitude, by the time she poured my third cup of coffee I was starting to have Out Of Bounds flashbacks. Some of you know what I'm talking about, others of you need to visit your local video store.

     We finally touch down and I step off the plane into warmth, sunshine and sand instead of snow. I haven't seen the sun in a couple of days and it looks and feels incredible! I'm getting my second wind as I walk through the terminal.
     I find my mom at the entrance and it's really good to see her. It's been about a year since my last visit. We go back to her car and before I can open the door to put my pack in the back seat, she tells me to wait a second. She reaches in and pushes a button and the top retracts. I could get used to California's version of January. It's the middle of the afternoon and we drive off in search of food.

     The Hard Rock Hotel is one of the newest attractions so she takes me there. I'm so hungry, I just want a place that serves food. I get the steak and eggs with hash browns and then finish the other half of her club sandwich.  Both are really good. There's about 20 minutes until my first movie of the Palm Springs International Film Festival starts, so we head out.

     My first experience with the PSIFF was back in 2011. I've been wanting to come back for a while but something always gets in the way; usually money. That's another story for another time.
     The Palm Canyon theater hides in plain sight if you're looking for a movie theater. It's a live theater that also has a movie screen. My first movie going experience here is a documentary called What Is Cinema?

     Filmmaker Chuck Workman compiled interviews with contemporary directors as well as footage from classic directors to try to answer this question. If you like movies then I highly recommend this one.
     I have about 50 minutes before my next movie. Mom had things to do so she dropped me off and will pick me up later. It's like junior high all over again. I was fortunate enough to get passes for the next three days so it really does pay to know people. The other theater is about a dozen blocks away so I start walking. Along the way, I find a coffee shop to quench my thirst.
     As I arrived at the Palm Springs Regal 9, the first thing I noticed were the lines. The way the buildings are laid out makes it a very efficient system to line up two audiences at the same time as well as have a third line for those standing by in case of a no show ticket holder or if they open another theater.
     By the time I finished my coffee, the line was moving. We were in and seated and still had time to use the bathroom or hit the concession stand. They made a couple of announcements and then introduced the director.

     3 Nights In The Desert is a drama about three friends who reunite a few years after their band has broken up. I'm not here to give away all of the plot points so I'll just say that it's good and you should see it if it comes to your town..
     After the movie, director Gabriel Cowan, writer Adam Chanzit and three other people who's names I have forgotten came down and talked about the making of the film.These are usually my favorite parts of any film festival because you get to learn about the whole creative process that went on behind the scenes.
     Luckily, my next movie was at the same theater because it started in five minutes. The advantage to sitting up close is that you can show up right before the lights go down and still get the seat you want.

     Everything We Loved is a drama about a couple coping with the loss of their child and the extremes that a man will go to to hang on to the woman he loves. It's very good and you should see it when it comes to town.
     The director, Max Currie, was there and informed us that because of last minute changes and processing procedures and shipping schedules (from New Zealand), we were the very first audience to see this film. The cast and crew had not even seen it yet. This is another cool thing that I enjoy about film festivals.
     After the movie and the discussion, I meet back up with my mom and we made the obligatory stop at Del Taco.

     Their latest menu item is Turkey Tacos so I decided to try them. It wasn't anything worth writing home about (...) but they got the job done.
     We took the scenic route back to her house and even at night, Palm Springs is a pretty cool place. There isn't a lot of night life unless you know where to go, but I do night life for a living so I don't mind a break.
     I get settled into the guest room and even though I've been up for over 24 hours now, I still can't sleep. I read a chapter of my book to help focus my mind and then figure out my schedule for tomorrow. So many movies, so little time. I set the alarm and crawl into bed. The first thing I'm doing when i wake up is go jogging...outside!

First post about the first movie on the first day of the new year

     The first movie I've seen in the new year? New Year's Evil! I don't know why I've always avoided this 1980 slasher film but for some reason I decided today would be the day. I'll grant you that the poster is kind of lame and generic but in '80 the slasher genre was in it's golden age and all you needed to put butts in the seat was a holiday and the promise of blood. Cannon delivered the goods on that.

     I'm not going to say that you should track this movie down right now and follow it online but I can say that if, like me, you've ridden the fence for a while, it's time to get down from the fence, use the wood to make a bridge and get over it. If you were able to appreciate Silent Night, Deadly Night, you should be able to sit through this one. It's blood soaked melodrama, just the way you like it. There's even one genuinely creepy scene. Of course, they followed it up with the lamest timed jump scare, but try not to hold that against it.

     The thing I can give it credit for the most is that right when it looked like the ending was going to fall apart and the movie was just going to fall flat, it changed direction and started wrapping things up. so, if you feel like giving up on it, just stick around a little longer. 

     It's currently playing on Netflix. I was pretty surprised to find it there. They seem to have a lot of the hard to find slashers. I've become something of a Netflix addict but I'm working on it. Admitting it's the first step, right? After that it's just one day at a time. I've seen some really good stuff and some pretty bad stuff. It gets hard to filter out the bad when you're on sensory overload. 

     I'm trying to keep this on the positive side so I guess I'll just wrap up my first post of the new year by saying life is too short to watch bad movies so choose carefully. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment to see the doctor. Who is Tom Baker.