I'm feeling a little gabby so, of course, I turn to the internet. It's currently Wednesday. I've been trying to get my shit together all week but that's proving to be harder than it looks. I think the electronics system in my car is dying. The damn thing has been infected with gremlins for about a month. Sometimes it clears up and then it comes back as something else with a vengeance. It's a pain in the ass that won't be satiated until I'm spiraling in credit debt.
I've been applying for a few more jobs lately. I've pretty much given up hope of ever being hired but I still go through the motions.
Speaking of trying to get hired, I've been trying to write an outline for a new screenplay. If nobody's going to hire me, I'll make up my own job. It's going okay but I've been stuck on the same plot problem for a while now so I'm avoiding the problem by playing on the internet... I know, get back to work.
This Friday is Valentine's Day. Is there a more pointless holiday? I'm not just spitting out sour grapes because I'm single, think about it, it's pointless. Let's start at the end of this mess and work our way backward, shall we? The whole ain't-love-grand-let's-spend-the-rest-of-our-lives-together thing builds toward marriage, right? Have you ever talked to married people? They're the first ones to tell you not to do it. It's like talking to junkies. They're strung out and wouldn't do it again but the addiction has them in its grasp and they can't leave. It's very sad.
I get it, I've been there. You think life is great and when it's not you tell yourself that nothing's perfect and everybody has problems. Things will work out. But they never do, do they? You just come up with better lies to tell yourself. You don't see that the other person is insane and it's rubbing off on you. It's like some chemical in your brain that makes you forget every lesson life has taught you and you convince yourself that this is where you want to be.
Finally, when things turn so shitty that you can't ignore it any more, you come to the conclusion that you've been fooling yourself all along. Maybe you try to convince yourself that next time will be different, but it isn't, is it? It's just more of the same in a new package.
If you listen to that inner voice, you're amazing, you're incredible, you're awesome sauce incarnate. That's not to say that you're better than everybody else and your shit doesn't stink, it just means that you know how good of a person you are and you don't have to prove anything to anybody. Why would you want to invite somebody else to come in to your world and start tearing that down?
I read a post on facebook from a friend who went to dinner by herself and said she was the best date she'd had in a long time. For a second, my knee jerk reaction and male ego said, "that's just because you haven't gone out with me yet" but you know what? When you're by yourself, there's none of the awkwardness or the trying to figure the other person out or wondering what they're really like after the pretense fades. Isn't it great to make a joke and not have to explain it? How many times have you heard "what's that look mean?" That is one of my least favorite questions.
Maybe I'm the only one this happens to, maybe your face is always emoting the proper response to what ever is being talked about. I seem to speak a different language than most people so when I have to stop and break down my facial expressions on top of everything else, it gets exhausting.
Sure, I may not be a very social person. That's just personal experience. At least I'm not looking somebody in the eye and telling them I love them and I was only kidding when I said that marriage is hell on Earth and then when she leaves the room telling you that no, I'm not kidding, run like hell!
Seriously though, if you find yourself alone on this holiday weekend, just remember, you're better off. If you think you want the significant other and all that goes with it, just hang out with married people for a while. Okay, I guess I'll come down off my soap box and go make dinner. Thanks for reading, hope you were entertained.
