Notes Of A Drunk Whisperer

He who cannot be whispered must be backed down.

     It was a typical slow Thursday, approaching the witching hour. The radio suddenly came to life with the managers voice. "Alex, get up to the deck, I need you." I felt a little like Bell's assistant as I hurried upstairs after telling the bartender to watch the door. I learned that there was a disturbance on my way up.

     As I get to the deck, I see the other bouncer and the manager dealing with one of the patrons. I'm about to go over and see what's what when my path is suddenly blocked. The human obstruction is about 5'10, buzz hair cut, thick neck, barrel chest, uglier than me. Basically, he looked like that stereotype in movies that always hangs out in bars looking for a fight. He has a pint glass in one hand and he's staring at me, not blinking. "You lookin' fer me?" he asks in an accent I would eventually learn was Australian. I'm trying to look at the manager to see if I am looking for this guy. She's busy dealing with the first guy. 

     I'm at the wrong angle to try any kind of fancy grab the arm and twist kind of move. That's the great thing about drinkers is that they always have that arm out there. I lower my chin a little and set my left foot forward, pretending I'm trying to get by him. If I shift my weight and pop my neck I'll Metal Health this guy right in the bridge of the nose with my forehead. Using my momentum and surprise, I can also give him two open handed hits to the chest, pushing him backwards and giving me room to move. It may not be Marquist of Queensbury but it's fast and effective and I'm a little over matched so I have to take my advantage where I can.

     I looked straight back at him, not blinking either, and said, "I got a call about somebody causing trouble up here, am I looking for you?" He must have figured out that it was easier to drink beer from inside the bar because a second later he took a step back and tried to look a little more sober. "That wasn't me, mate, try over there", he points across the deck with his chin. "I'll do that, thanks" I said. I talk to the manager, turns out I'm not looking for that guy. It was a disturbance of one and he's on his way out the door. Having already had to break up a fight and toss two drunken chuckle heads out, it was refreshing to only deal with one idiot. Everybody went back to drinking and I went back to filtering out the jail bait.